Tracie's Too-Funny-for-Velonews Race Reports - 2003

11/23/03 - Give me a beat! Surf City Race Report
You have to RAP this for the full effect. Have fun....
oh by the way do I get to be a member of the dirty dozen cult now???

Woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm
Thinking maybe I’ll race cross, it won’t do any harm –
Wake up my legs, maybe dust out a lung,
take advantage of being young, check out the boys who are well hung;
so I pack up my jersey, shorts and mountain bike,
a little music to get me feeling the psych,
singin’ all the way over highway seventeen
I’m a cyclocross queen and I’m ready to get mean;
Show up at the venue, park, pay my fee,
Say Hi to my teammate with the foot hip and knee,
Watch the Men As do a lap or two
(really I was drooling over who-who?)
start to thinking this is crazy - I can’t ride like that!
I’m new to this and my tires are fat
Thinking I’ll be at the very back for sure
I remind myself, Velo Bella is the cure!
Stroll over to the booth, grin tooth to tooth,
This team is full of funky spunky youth;
So the course I can check, I hop on my Trek,
Think what the heck? I’m gonna hit the deck…
Get in a little warm-up nevertheless,
So I was slightly nervous - I will confess!
Line up at the start, get ready to go,
My legs are all for it but my peddles say no no -
Clipping in skills I guess I tend to lack,
Don’t got the knack, I’m at the back of the pack;
Chasin’ and passin’ - feeling good as I could
Getting’ my groove, now I’m jiggin’ in the hood!
Got caught behind a racer who took a tumble
She picked herself up and started to mumble
She was goin’ too durn fast, tryin’ to blast,
Now her confidence was a thing of the past,
Rode by her, kept on goin’, pushin’ the pain
Hoping on the riders in the front I would gain;
Off the bike, double hop, and a run up the hill,
Got no skill, only will, and competition to kill;
Took a corner pretty badly and ate some dirt,
Got some mud on my shirt, but man it didn’t hurt,
Hopped back on and had a tiny problem
Somewhere to the left was the way of my stem
The bars weren’t straight but hey why wait?
The bike’s still great and so is my heart rate
Huffin’ and puffin’ all the way to lap three
Riding with some chick, I think she is a B?
Cut her off in a corner, trust me I felt bad
But I think it just made her pretty frickin mad -
What did she say? “Girl you’re gonna pay!”
I guess she had her way cuz on the dirt again I lay –
Somehow did a faceplant, I told you my skills are none!
Thankfully I’m not the only one
She asked if I was okay, I drudgingly said yes
Picked myself back up, man I was a mess
But I’ve got a race to finish and I’m on lap four
Gimme some more! I’ll take you, whore!
Even though my legs are sore
I run it up that beast, knowing it’s the last
Muttering obsenities, I don’t feel very fast;
Lori, make no mistake, the winnings she did take
The rest of the field did buckle and break
But I rolled in for second in my very first race,
Not with grace, a dirty face, and off Lori’s pace
But hey that chick is brutal, I know her sprint!
Just thought maybe I should put this down in print:
Cyclocross is fun and I had a great day,
Feeling gray? Let me say, cross is the way!
Got a new respect, I mean some r-e-s-p-e-c-t
For anyone who tries it – he, she, or me!
(or the walrus in my bath tub, scrubby dub dub!)

09/15/03 - Rafael & Grand Prix Reflections
This weekend was such a learning experience. Here are some of my
thoughts/comments/questions after pondering some seriously deep issues:

• I prepared for the San Rafael Criterium by washing my face with Basis cleanser. It may be a long shot, but Basis sponsors TEAM Basis, and Kate Maher rides for Team Basis, which means she probably has used Basis cleanser at some point in her life, and she kicks ass. Coincidence? What? (I'm a genius!)
• My preparation worked so well that I was able to win an additional 20 tubes of Basis Cleanser, which I estimate should be enough to get me through next season. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
• mmm, yes, thong underwear is really sexy.....except under bike shorts.
• It is a smart idea to drink water in races. I didn’t, and started feeling the effects when I had to fight back powerful gagging reflexes after sprinting across the line. Robyn, my savior, gave me her water bottle and instructed me to dump it all over my head, which I gladly did. No more than 5 seconds later Laurie MacFarland walks by and tells me I REALLY should think about using one of those free showers. Man oh man, I always thought I sweat more than the average bear, but if I ever start sweating THAT much, someone please stop me.
• Men who stuff their bike shorts impress NO ONE, but are always good for a laugh, so keep it up, boys.
• After we were nearly thrown behind bars for writing on Taylor street with sidewalk chalk (“Graffiti! Not very nice you know! Against the law!”) I decided that San Francisco cops are no fun. Even (especially) if you try to bribe them with some good old fashioned booty shakin'. I don’t get it. It’s always worked before….
• WHY didn't anyone warn me about Laura???
• Giving money to mentally instable beggars so that they will "promise to go away" doesn't work.
• Why do I have the feeling that being a spectator yesterday was infinitely more fun than being in the race?
• I hope one of the HealthNet boys finds the pink blow-up sax that fell out of Laura’s backpack. I think we should put out an advertisement: “If cute HealthNet rider finds sax, please deliver in person to Velo Bella Racing Team. DO NOT bother bringing the saxophone.”
• Mullets are never cool, no matter how easy they make putting on your helmet.
• Our bellas rule! To all the girls who raced on Sunday and everyone who helped them out - what an inspiration.
• If I scrub my face with cookies can I ride like Nicole Cooke?

09/01/03 - Smear-o di Giro
An Odd Day in the City
Tracie Nelson's Giro Report (believe it or not)
Dear Abby,
I am so confused, I just don't know what to do with myself! I recently entered a bicycle race, the "smear-o di San Francisco", which I had hoped to do very well in. However, shortly before the start of this race I began feeling somewhat unmotivated, and although I worked reasonably hard my performance just wasn't up to par. Afterwards I felt very disappointed with myself. To top it off, I hung around in a San Francisco parking lot for five whole hours to do a "women's" race, only to be told by the official, "Ferris", that I could not enter because I am a category four! And then another category four racer, "Maxine", accused me of being a sandbagger, even though I don't have enough points to upgrade! And then, when I was watching the "women's" race which I should have been racing in, I got smacked in the face with seagull feces! As if this wasn't enough, I got lost on the drive home, stuck in labor day traffic, and arrived back at the house at midnight to find a 3-foot-tall door-to-door salesman, "Balam Acob," waiting for me on my porch. When I told him to go away he spit in my face and stole my bike. Then my father disowned me because I didn't bring home a trophy and am a disgrace to the family. My day went from bad to worse, and yet I CAN'T WAIT to race again. Is there something wrong with me???
Sincerely,
"The San Francisco Treatment"

Dear "Treatment",
There is nothing "wrong" with you, and you are not alone in your quirks. However, I suggest seeking psychiatric therapy immediately.
Yours Truly,
Abby
P.S. I am afraid.

Dear Abby,
I am writing in response to the letter from "The San Francisco Treatment". I think you were wrong in suggesting that she needs therapy. Clearly it was all just Labor Day Bad Luck. Try, Try Again, "Treatment"!
Cordially,
The Little Engine

Dear Abby,
In response to "Treatment's" letter, I would like to make a note that it was very rude of "Ferris" to deny her entry to the later race, as it was clearly marked an all-category women's race in the schedule.
With Love,
Miss Manners

Dear Abby,
Don't worry about that "Treatment" weirdo. I spit in her face and stole her bike, and she won't be hurting anyone anymore like she hurt me when she refused to buy my seagull repellent.
Signed,
Anonymous

08/17/03 - Suisun Race Report
Suisun Harbor Criterium
by Tracie "I spend more time writing race reports than I do training" Nelson
After my somewhat less-than-enjoyable performance last weekend at Fort Ord, I made a last minute decision against the corral inferno planned for saturday. (Monica? Jen? How'd it go???) Instead, I thought to myself "self, what you need is a good criterium to boost morale."

Good criterium, indeed. I started having my doubts when my legs felt like jello for no apparent reason on saturday and I took note of the fact that the only race available to me was "women". Well, I am a woman, and race is a verb, so I sucked it up and made my way to Suisun anyway, in my mom's COOL mini-van, after the not-so-pleasant last-minute discovery that my car battery was dead.

After a good warm-up and a good dose of gu and red bull, I started to feel better about the whole thing. It's just a race anyway, and all I cared to do was mark some fast chick and watch the magic be worked. When I rolled up to the start line and saw the likes of Christine Throburn, Kristen Drumm, Laurel Green, and Lisa Hunt, among others, I knew I had my work cut out for me, and was overwhelmed with the plethora of wheels to choose from.

I was a little suprised, but then not that suprised at all I suppose,
considering, when Cindy Mommsen (yes, she was there too, sigh) accusingly remarked to Yukie from Webcor at the start line that sleeveless jerseys are "ILLEGAL!" and that she should "KNOW BETTER!" This gave me time to chat with some of my competitors as Yukie scuttered away to change out of that extremely performance-enhancing sleeveless jersey of hers and helped to calm my nerves a bit. It was also a relief to see fellow Bella Laura "perfect timing" Sanchez roll up to the line.

As usual, once we started racing, my nerves were left at the line. I started up at the front so best as to slowly drift through to the back (some people use this tactic on hill climbing. I do too, just without the hill). The attacks came straight from the gun, with Olympic Club going off, Palo Alto going off, McGuire going off, Spine going off... as I sat in and watched with mild amusement, I thought "this is great". I also thought "thank god I am not wearing my heart rate monitor as it would probably explode". I also was thinking "WHAT??? 25 MORE LAPS???"

Some of the wonderful things about a criterium with the 1/2s include a) they can actually corner b) they actually attack c) they actually keep going when they catch an attack, instead of just sitting on the blown-up person's wheel and letting the whole feild bunch up like a can of sardines

Somewhere I guess about halfway through the race, Christine "I'm not actually human" Thorburn went off and indeed stayed off and by teh end nearly lapped the feild. I think a lot of people didn't know she was off the front, as with about 10 laps to go I could hear Laurel shouting "is anyone off the front? anyone? anyone at all?" and no one answered.

As the race progressed, and I realized that I was going to live through the occasion and was not going to get blown out the back, my confidence returned to me (why, hello, old friend). At one point I heard some encouraging words from behind and knew that Laura was on my wheel. Sick of the middle of the pack, I jumped onto Laurel's wheel and followed her line into the top 10 positions. With about 8 to go things slowed down considerably, as I think people were looking around seeing who was going to make the next move. In fact, other than the last 2 laps, the end of the race was the easiest part. For a fleeting moment, I thought about attacking just for "shits and giggles" but decided against it after realizing that there would most likely be no shits and giggles involved in such a maneuver.

I still didn't quite have the motivation to mix it up with the "real
sprinters" at the finish and instead thought that maybe I could be the first Cat4 to cross the line, since the announcer guy had promised 10 bucks for this person (or person's team's party fund). In the end though, I guess they didn't end up doing this, and Sarah Lightfoot outsprinted me anyway. But I was ecstatic to have finished comfortably in the middle of a "women's" pack (a first for me).

After crossing the line with an audible grunt, I slowed to about .05 mph and spun around the course a few times. When I realized that the masters were going to start soon, I thought to get up onto the sidewalk but somehow in my post-race stupor ended up skidding along in someone's driveway on my shoulder. Rather embarrassing, but after checking that my skinsuit wasn't ripped (it wasn't!) I felt fine, and even have a couple sexy bruises to show for my troubles.

All in all, a fun one, and a good experience too.

07/28/03 - Reports? Hello?
Based on my previous experience at Hellyer Park, my idea of track racing was:

a. intimidating
b. dangerous
c. full of snobby, arrogant people with big, bulgy, shiny legs
d. oh yeah, did I mention intimidating
e. something I had to try

Of course, any doubts about driving all the way to San Jose for a
minute-long race NEVER CROSSED MY MIND... but I got to do 2 races anyway. Due to registration confusion we got to do TWO team sprints for the PRICE OF ONE! (But wait, there's more!) We even improved our time on the second one.

For those who don't know, a team sprint is 3 laps. 3 riders start on the line, the 1st rider leads for one lap and pulls off, the second rider leads for the 2nd lap and pulls off, and the 3rd rider finishes it off. Since Sue and Robyn, animals that they are, had already raced earlier, I (the "fresh" one) was chosen to ride 3rd in line. (yay)

I was a little apprehensive about the whole starting process... standing
start... getting into formation... picking up speed... after all, we'd never
practiced this before. No wait. This was our practice. We just didn't know that yet.

I must say, for a first-time team we did well together. Maybe it's that
bella spirit but between our awesome communication and "shits and giggles" attitude, we kicked ass. Even if it was just our own asses. Oh yeah and that third lap hurt like a bitch.

And besides, we fulfilled the most important priority and looked freakin
awesome:

Leaving after yesterday, my idea of track racing has evolved to:

a. not at all intimidating
b. probably still dangerous but that's what makes it exciting
c. full of snobby, arrogant people with big, bulgy, shiny muscles - yehaa, if you can't beat em join em
d. something I definately have to try more of

-Tracie the Trackie (i've done 1 race, i'm so PRO)

07/19/03 - Tour de Livermot
First off, great job to everyone who did Livermore Hills today. Lots of strong riders and plenty of heat for everyone, I'm sure. I thought I'd write up a little diddy about my race, and what better way to tell the story than through the voices which kept poppoing into my head during today's race (well you have to keep yourself motivated SOMEHOW)...

Tour de Livemot (previously known as Livermore Hills RR)
Cat 4
Phil Ligget: Thank you for joining us in today's Tour de Livemot, an epic 54 kilometer race consisting of one stage. Years past have shown struggle, defeat, and glory on today's course for the category four women of northern california, and this year promises much of the same...

Paul Sherwin: Indeed, Phil. Let's take a look at the map. It's a fairly flat stage today, they'll start out on country roads and wind their way through the sleepy town of Livemot...

Phil Ligget: Well it won't be sleepy today, Paul, that's for sure....

Paul Sherwin: until they reach the base of the Col d'Lier Canyon, an
uncategorized climb...

Phil Ligget: Indeel, Paul, the Col d'Lier Canyon is so mild there is no
category for it...

Paul Sherwin: Ahem, as I was saying, the riders will climb the Col d'Lier Canyon which will be followed directly by two more rollers, another flat section and then a breif climb to the finish. It's only a 9 kilometer loop but the riders will each have to complete it SIX times...

Phil Ligget: and here we're looking as the riders roll out. It's a big feild today, Paul, and with these narrow roads I think the riders who start in the front of the race won't be sorry. There are a lot of big names here today, from teams like Village Peddler, Webcor Alto Velo, Team Tam, and don't let's forget about Velo Bella.

Paul Sherwin: speak of the devil, Phil, there's rider number 713, that's Tracie Nelson from Velo Bella. Now she's not a favorite to win this race and isn't known for being very good at road racing, but I think we may be in for a suprise today.

Phil Ligget: Well, there goes a Velo Girl rider. It's only lap 1 but she's made her move, possibly a tactical move for her team leader, oh and it's Roberts chasing her down, that's Roberts from team McGuire, it looks like she's been caught! And the rest of the McGuire team is trying to block the feild but there are riders coming around them, they're catching up Paul, oh and they've made contact.

Paul Sherwin: It looks as though the feild has slowed down a bit going up towards the Col d'Lier Canyon climb. They're keeping a steady pace but no one wants to put themselves out this early...

Phil Ligget: While the feild seems to be rather neutral, let's take a moment to talk with our expert on the subject of bicycle racing, Mr. Bob Roll...

Ditzy Blonde Woman (is it Kirsten Dumb or Kirsten Dung?): So, Bob, you guys keep talking about these things called climbs, could you explain? Why would be any harder for a rider to go uphill than downhill? I don't get it!

Bob Roll (pensively): Well, Kirsten, there's something we in cycling like to call gravity... (Kirsten nods in excitement)...

Phil Ligget: Alright, and back to the coverage, it looks like the riders are finishing up their second lap, and hmm, that looks as though Nelson and a Stanford rider are conspiring to do something...

Paul Sherwin: The race is moving pretty slowly at the moment...

Phil Ligget: oooh! But they won't need to conspire for an attack! That's Village Peddler powering around the corner! They're off! They've made a gap! The feild is in a panic chasing back up to them, the field is stringing out Paul, it looks as though some riders are catching up! Oh, and they are!

Paul Sherwin: It looks as though we've got a little under 15 riders working together in a break now...

Phil Ligget: Well it doesn't look as though they're working very well
together but they are in a break, I'll give you that half of the question,
Paul. Now, it looks as though Nelson has made the break, NorCal Velo is in their too and of course Village Peddler and a couple of other teams too. Only one rider from the McGuire team, whoops, big suprise there, Paul...

Paul Sherwin: Well it's only lap three and the riders only have a 35 second gap so they've got to get organised if they want to stay away. They're riding very aggressively and keep attacking each other on the hills which is disrupting the pace-making once they get back onto the flatter sections...

Phil Ligget: And they're coming round with 3 to go now... and just 2 to go... they're on lap 5 now...

Paul Sherwin: Well it looks as though some of the riders are starting to show signs of fatigue... Nelson looks like she wants to puke.. it could be that cytomax in her bottle that's not doing well with her stomach...

Phil Ligget: Wow, did you see that Paul, they just ripped it up those
rollers and they're pushing on... riders are coming out the back, struggling to hang on... Nelson's still in there, she's not a great climber but she knows that if she can just stay in contact with the group until the flat section she can catch her breath and get back in this thing...

Paul Sherwin: Well, it looks as if she's got gapped off, Phil. The riders behind her are starting to go around her, she's trying to catch one of their wheels but it looks as though her legs are really spent.

Phil Ligget: It looks as though she's gone into a time trial position...

Kirsten Blonde Lady: What's a Time Trial?

Phil Ligget: she's not giving up, not yet, she's made it this far and she's not going to let a silly little thing like a 200 meter gap stop her now.

Paul Sherwin: Well it looks as though two other riders are catching up to Nelson, she's hopped onto their wheels and has started working with them. There's no hope now of catching back to the break, but they need to keep going so they don't get caught.

Phil Ligget: Look at the SUFFERING on these women's faces, they look like howling banshees! You can see the PAIN glistening in their eyes, Paul, this has been a tough stage indeed and it's not over yet.

Paul Sherwin: Well it looks as though they've relaxed the pace somewhat. And the McGuire rider has gone off the back! She's signalling to the other riders that she has a flat tire, and they've gone on without her.

Phil Ligget: Coming around the finishing corner, Nelson is in second
position. There won't be a huge sprint because the places have already been taken but I think we might see a bit of an effort just for fun. And sure enough Nelson takes it to the outside and goes, it looks as though the other rider has yelled some words of encouragement, well that's a nice gesture there, that's what we used to see in the olden days...

Paul Sherwin: So Nelson takes tenth. Not quite as well as she may have hoped for but it was a tough day in the saddle, she gave a hard effort, and she really can't be dissappointed with that.

Phil Ligget: (staring fondly at Paul Sherwin) You know I kind of feel like kissing you, Paul...

*Alto Velo won the race and Vellage Peddler took 2nd and 3rd. Daphne, Laurie, and Denise also hung tough with the cat 4 women and did great!

07/12/03 - A kid with a Bike
I've been to a couple beginner track sessions, some less fun than others, but having a slew of bellas (and a couple other women-folk too!) including our track-mentor-ultra-pro-goddess Robyn there to help us out really made the difference. I felt way more comfy at the track today than I normally do (well, except for that "saddle") not to mention got in a great laughing workout!

A few highlights of the day...

• looking over towards the track instructor and instead finding my view obscured by the image of Robyn, pouty-faced and double-D, hunched over her flame-painted bike in a very provocative manner. I'm starting to think we've started some kind of bizarre tradition.
• going through four (yes, four!) bikes. I think I was cursed. Maybe it had something to do with those weird tri-blade wheels.
• speaking of curses, what was up with that ancient torture device mounted on my seatpost? I know they call them "saddles", but this thing looked more like something you'd throw over the back of a friggin horse. Well, nothing like toughening up the ol' daisy.
• practicing our 1/2 lap pulls team pursuit workout, I couldn't help thinking how totally PRO we all looked whizzing around the track in our matching get-ups. All we need now are matching booties and baby oil!

*Robyn, I can bring you the pedal wrench on team pursuit day, unless you need it before then, and we can make some kind of other arrangements?

P.S. I hear racing for Velo Bella will give you a crotch of steel...(?)

07/06/03 - July 4 Race
Davis Criterium
July 4, Cat4
By the time I got to Davis on friday, I had a list full of reasons floating around in that cranial space of mine as to why I needed to do well:

1. Last year I did absolutely horribly at the Davis crit. I was back,
   indeed, and back with a vengence.
2. Knowing that my post-race junk food consumption would be extensive, thanks to the July 4th festivities, I had a new motto: work hard, eat shamelessly.
3. After referring to myself as "crit scum" in one of my previous emails, it would be kind of lame if I didn't live up to the title.
4. I was out to prove that I don't need mountain dew, coke, double shot espressos, or complementary red bull (or MSM-laced-water) to ride a Cat4 crit.

After a strange parking fiasco I weaved my way through a crowd full of children in flag t-shirts, poodles with patriotic visors, and men dressed up in Uncle Sam costumes (yikes) to find registration. I bumped into none other than our very own Sabine (who was not wearing a patriotic visor or Uncle Sam costume) who was cheering on Ashlyn who was busy racing (and winning!) her first ever criterium. Congratulations, Ashlyn!

After getting in a good warm-up and doing a couple laps around the course with Maggie, a Village Peddler rider who I had raced with at Pesky, the riders started convening at the line. As per usual, I was paranoid about my start position, and there really wasn't much room left on the line, but I squeezed in between two riders anyway, one of whom promptly gave me a weird look and nudged her bike over a few inches. Well, anyone who's done this race knows that it's a hard race to move up in, and I wasn't about to get suckered.

I noticed something just didn't seem right on that start line, and glancing around I noticed that it was a big feild, but (gasp!) the Velo Girls did NOT make up the majority of the race! Although they had a good number of riders, as did Mcguire and DBC, most teams were represented with only one or two riders.

The race started off fast. One of the McGuire chicks took it from the line and hammered it for a good two or three laps. Strangely, this crit was not lacking in people who were willing to take it to the front and ride the hell out of themselves for a lap or two, and the pace never really slowed down. Still paranoid about maintaining my top-5 position, I glued myself to the wheel of every attack (not a particularly smart idea when you are working for yourself, but oooooh well). One rider, an unattached triathlete, made a few attack attempts and spent a lot of time at the front of the race. I new that this is a typical move for riders who are strong but don't have a lot of racing experience, and figured that she would tire herself out up there. (This woman was seriously like the Energizer bunny in human form.)

With about 5 laps to go I sank back to about fiteenth position. AAAAAH! Not now! With 3 to go I powered my way back up to top five and sat on a McGuire wheel. Based on past races I figured this would be the best place to be. But with 2 to go McGuire was sinking back and I wasn't where I wanted to be so I abandoned ship. Coming around the last corner for 1 to go the crowd started making a lot of noise. It was really crazy - a Cat4 women's crit that people actually cheer for? Someone (can't remember who) attacked with exactly 1 to go and absolutely shredded the feild. I was glad that the pace was fast so that a)there would be no surging and I wouldn't lose my position and b)I wouldn't have to worry about whether I should take the inside or the outside of the last corner. However, this pace was insane, I think my nose was on my
toptube.

I rounded the last corner in 4th position behind a Davis Bike Club rider and punched it with whatever I had left, but Maggie crossed first and the unattached triathlete nipped me right at the line!

After washing the sandpaper feeling out of my mouth and flaking off the crusties that had formed around my lips, I was ready for my podium ceremony. Although I was disappointed that no Mario-look-alikes were there to grace my sweaty cheek with kisses, I was thankful that the Uncle Sam Costumed People kept their distance.

06/08/03 WOT, a lesson in criterium tactics
I must admit, I don't get too excited for flat, four corner industrial park criteriums that are held in the middle of less-than-exciting places like Livermore. However, after much academic research, anthropological observation, and unbiased interpretation of statistical data, I have devised a fail-proof plan for Wheels of Thunder 2004. Ah, I can taste victory already...

HOW TO WIN THE WHEELS OF THUNDER CRITERIUM, TRACIE'S STYLE

1. WEAR A SKINSUIT. Indeed, it is all about "the look". Besides making you feel fast, the professional appearance of these little bodysuits are intimidating and sexy. No one owns a skinsuit who can't sprint, and no one wears one to a crit who doesn't plan to kick ass. I am thankful, however, that squadra's graphic designer, ill and bed-ridden as he was, had the good sense not to include the "oh la la" comment on the back of these clothing items.
1a. WASH THE SKINSUIT FIRST. Unless you enjoy feeling like
someone dumped a loadfull of razorblades in your chamois, putting a new skinsuit in the wash is a wise concept.

2. FORGET THE ROLLERS. Remember all that mumbo-jumbo your coach taught you about warming up? Spinning, raising your heart rate, and the like? A mere waste of time. I suspect that the motivation imparted on me from those groovy Christian tunes in combination with the first 44 minutes of the race will be sufficient to get me through the remaining 30 seconds of the race.

3. DON'T SPRINT FOR THE IN-N-OUT PRIME. With 5 laps to go, conservation is precious. Not only will sprinting for a prime waste your legs, but the fact that you just expended energy for a greasy hamburger? Oh, your racing carreer is doomed, my friend.

4. USE YOUR ELBOWS. Back in high school marching band, we learned that everyone has their own little box. You stay in your box and everyone else stays in theirs. You move as a grid. So the peleton is a marching band too. Next year I will carry a piccolo in my back pocket to remind the competition to stay in their own box.

5. SKIP THE SHOWER, DON'T WEAR DEODERANT, AND EAT BEANS. Although I have yet to employ this tactic for fear of a)extreme embarassment and b)being accused of poor sportstmanship, theory has it that if you smell bad enough, your
competitors will either a)be so disgusted that they will let you ride off
the front or b)feel sorry for you and let you win.

6. STAY NEAR HEATHER. This girl not only stays up front, but also manages to place in every crit she enters. Glad she's my teammate and not someone else's.

7. TALK TO THE COMPETITION. They hate it when you do that.

7a. TALK TO YOUSELF. There's nothing more intimidating than an insane cyclist.

7b. DO NOT BOAST. An egotistical cyclist will only spawn a
revegeful competition. I find that FDR's Big Stick Policy is well applied to a bicycle racing environment.

8. DO AS WOULD THE McGUIRE GIRLS. Although I didn't see the whole thing played out, I know that coming out of the last corner the McGuire team was 1st 2nd and 3rd, and the girl in 3rd position won the race. There is certainly something to be learned from all this.

9. USE YOUR WHEELS OF THUNDER. I had this great idea about getting one of those tiny recording devices and recording some thunder, then putting it on continuous play and hiding it inside my wheel hub or something. I would tell the competition that I had true wheels of thunder, and they would be very frightened, indeed. (See note 7a)

05/25/03 - Mt Hamilton, indeed
Mt. "Hammerton," Cat4
As I awoke this morning at 5am and struggled to pull my sleepy ass out of bed, a thought popped into my mind: "what on EARTH were those 24 hours of adrenaline girls THINKING???" Some things are just NOT meant to be done before daylight. Like riding bikes. Or getting out of bed for that matter.

But 3 and a half hours, a bowl of oatmeal, an apple, and a chocolate Gu later I was pleased to note that my eyelids seemed to at least be staying half open without any form of external force. After chatting with a couple competitors on the line, it was decided that the general concensus was that no matter how bad the race may be, at least we didn't have to do the REAL Mt Hamilton. Bwa ha ha ha, Laura you are CRAZY!

So it was 22 of us on the starting line. The VeloGirls, as usual, showed up in full force and all other teams had just a handful of riders, if that. As for Velo Bella it was our super-stud Jen and I.

The race began at a reasonable tempo. There were a couple girls who tried to go off the front in the first few miles but they were each reeled back in by the pack. (Okay question: WHAT was up with the "want $7,000? don't slow down" signs???) On the last of the rollers before the first flat section Velo Bella unleashed it's secret-weapon-pack-thinning tool. Jen just sort of rolled off the front a bit, causing our group to dwindle down to 7 riders.

We were able to organize ourselves into a rotating paceline, which worked nicely. On the first roller after the valley section the two Valley Spokeswomen popped off the back, leaving 5 of us, including Jen and I.

Hold up. But I'm not supposed to be up HERE! This is like, the FRONT group. Hmmm.... very suspicious indeed.

We continued our rotations, and on the long climb about half way through the race I became acutely aware that I was suffering a wee bit more than my fellow groupie. (When they are smiling and you have the strained face of a constipated psycho killer, this is generally not a good sign.) I decided to adhere to something I read in a Coach Carl collumn: focus on how much you are making your competitors hurt, rather than how much they are hurting you. HA HA HA HA HA. When you're hanging on by your fingernails that doesn't exactly work.

So I got popped about half way up this climb. A line from one of Sabine's race reports flashed into my mind ("can I block from here?") I was fortunate enough to be caught by a 3BRT rider soon after. I say fortunate because it was a trite bit windy. We worked together for the remainder of the race and thoroughly enjoyed passing a few men-folk racers on the way. Strangely, I was able to drop the 3BRT rider on the last decent and rode like a madwoman (or at least I like to think so) to the finish, landing 5th place. Not bad.

Jen won the race, and will be upgrading to Cat3! I overheard a couple girls after teh race saying, "The Velo Bella with the long hair? She is sooooo strong!" And when I registered for the race, the volunteer said to me "oh, Velo Bella? You've got a couple of spit-fires on your team this year!" Yee-ha.

05/12/03 - Collegiate Nats
Yesterday Velo Bella made a debut on the collegiate racing scene as I happened upon the collegiate national road race (hosted by UC Berkeley) on my training ride. Unbeknowest to the excited spectators that I was certainly not racing, they tried to offer me food and water in the feed zone, they cheered for me - one guy even snapped my picture. So, "Velo Bella is a college" - who knew?

04/27/03 - Wente...... sort of
"Its so easy to say "if only" after a crit." - Well said, Sabine. But Wente truly was a blast, so much fun to be out there with the Bellas. That said.... (my race reports are getting out of hand, someone please stop me before I do something to embarass myself)...

Hamlet and the Wente Criterium
by Tracie "i'm not a climber but that's OK" Nelson
How all criteriums do inform against me
And spurn my dull revenge! What is a bike racer,
If her chief good and market of her time
Be but to sit in the pack and suck wheel? Smart, that's what.
Sure he that made up the Wente race course,
Looking before and after, gave us not
That capability to hold our lines
To fust in us unused! Now, whether it be
2 or 200 times that Heather attacked the feild
I do not know, I lost count -
And the number of times Marilyn saved my butt
And helped me out - For this I know
Why yet I live to say, "Velo Bella kicks ass,"
Since we have the cause, and will, and strength, and means
To do't. Examples gross as hot gu exhort me.
Witness this peleton of such mass and charge,
Led by a delicate and tender Bay Area Velo Girl,
Whose sprint, with divine VO2 max puffed,
provides a most excellent leadout,
Exposing what is mortal and undertrained (not me)
To all that fortune, death (I hope not), and danger (twas plenty of that) dare,
Even for a cruddy bag of granola. Rightly to be a winner
Is not to protest without great argument,
But greatly to insist on getting 25th place
When honor's at the stake (at least I don't have a triple). How stand I then,That have a teammate with 4th place, a prime won,Excitements of my reason and my sweat,
And let all be merry, while to my delight I see
The imminent fun of fifty cat 4 women
That for a fantasy and trick of fame
Go to a bike race, fight for a podium spot
Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause,
Which is not big enough for everyone
To fit on? O, from this time forth,
My RPE rating be 20, or be nothing worth!

04/16/03 - Race Reports?
Okay... I wasn't going to do this but you asked for it! :)
SEA OTTER ROAD RACE AND MY FREUDIAN STRUGGLES
by Tracie "I'm not a climber!" Nelson
Sea Otter - the big cheese, the head hauncho, the coup de gra, the mother of all races. Oooh, I was excited alright. I got my taste of the podium last year and I wanted more. More, baby, more.

Denise (my humble hostess) and I decided to take advantage of this alleged Cycle Ops warm-up tent thing. Only thing is we couldn't find it. ("Excuse me, might you happen to know where I can find a Cycle Ops tent?" - "Cyclops? What?") Oh well, I could just ride around on the roads and track instead. Remembering last year's race, I thought to myself, "self, the race does not start on a hill. A low intensity warm-up on the road with serve you well." HA. HA. If only I knew...

I arrived promptly at the start line ready to face my feild. I was excited to see quite a thrawl of women, unfortunately for me, I was signed up for the 1/2/3 women's race, with a whopping feild of TWO. My competitor in the singular and I were staged with the junior women behind the 3/4s. However, the officials told us that they had changed their minds and that we could start with the 3/4 feild. (Score!) But as I inched my way up towards the front of the feild the harsh, scratchy voice of an official (okay so maybe it wasn't all that harsh or scratchy) called me back. "You have to start back here with the juniors!" Uh... ok-ay...

While waiting for the start I had a lovely time chatting with my competitor in the singular about her many successes in pro stage races. (Id says: sabatoge.... sabatoge! It's the only way!)

And then the women 3/4s were off. Bye-bye! Good luck! Adieu! Farewell! And the harsh, scratchy voice of an official: "juniors and espiors you'll be racing with the women! Sorry for the confusion!" (Superego says: well that is morally unjust.)

So we were off too. Chasing from the line, on a freaking hill that only the devil (or a sea otter) would put at the start of a road race. I was so angry about the start line fiasco (Id says: they will pay... pay dearly) that I fired right up the little hill. Unfortunately, so did everyone else.

So I was off the back of the pack before I even left Laguna Seca. True, so were a lot of other people, but I spent the remaining 33.5 miles of the race chasing through various stragglers. After the first couple hills I found myself scanning the side of the road for sharp objects. Anything to give myself a flat. (Sabatoge took on a new meaning.) Then at least I would have a good excuse.

I was pleased with myself for passing so many people on the hills and never peing passed. I don't know why I was trying so hard; I had second place no matter what (or so I thought). But. Superego says: that's not what it's about, you fool. If you're going to do this, you're going to do it right.

So on that last hill, you know, the long son of a gun, I "kicked it up
another notch" - I think I passed six people. Maybe I should start mountain biking.

I finished. I felt like crap but all things considered at least I tried. (Id
says: "never again. I'm sticking to crits. Or maybe the couch. Or maybe I'll just sit at home and write race reports and pretend like I'm out there suffering.")

The rest of the day i spent mosying around the expo and eating pizza (a strange forshaddowing of things to come... shudder). Somehow I ended up with third place because an invisible third conpetitor snagged second. I missed my awards ceremony on accident but I didn't really care anyway seeing as it was all kind of silly, except that now I couldn't give away all my free stuff and look like I'm being a nice person.

It was especially fun camping near the downhill site. It made me feel really good about my race as my whipe-out rate is a little better than the people I watched.

Saturday was rainy and dreary, but good because I found out I didn't have to spend a full 4.5 hours on bouncy house duties, which is good because I think I'll have nightmares for the rest of my life after having spent only 20 minutes supervising that pizza thing. (Child's Body Found Mutilated in Butt-like Entrance of Inflatable Pizza.) Id says: sabatoge! Sabatoge the bouncy house! It's the only way!

It was really fun to hang out in the Velo Bella booth for a bit, too, and see the interest that everyone has in the team. Sea Otter is where I found out about VB last year, and so it was cool to see that our team has some good vibrations goin' on this year too. Just bummed about missing those hoola festivities; can't nobody get their groove on with the hoola hoop like I can!

<< Back to Bella Lounge