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Ride Reports Archive

June 2004

06/20/04 - Velo Bella University
by Tracie Nelson

Velo Bella University's annual clinic was a hit. Unfortunately, we are left with no pictures and no videos, but only our measly memories and javelin catelogue souveniers. Before these remembrances fade into oblivion, please allow me to accurately document the crucial moments of Velo Bella University 2004, taught by Nicole Freedman and her best attempt at a hot assistant, the man simply known as "John":

Pumping man lives on through this former Olympian's desire to spread the word of the ump. "We'll start off the clinic by doing a three minute interval of push-ups on the handlebars!" Now, a few of us have a bit of an ongoing joke about certain riders who pump on the handlebars because they think it makes them go faster. But really now. If Nicole preaches the pump, the peleton needs to watch out. I'll be recognizable in the next few weeks as the individual doing pumping intervals in my skinsuit with number pinned on while wearing sneakers that fit into my peddals with toe straps.

Nicole, a professional wrestler in her former life, informed us with a
viscious gleam in her beaty little red eyes that "It's time for.... DEATH
bike." A malicious grin spread over her devlish little face as she explained the rules: Everyone on their bikes, last one still clipped in wins! We rode timidly into the circle of death as Nicole supervised from the side, her hunger for flesh blood radiating from her squinty little nostrils. "Kill! KILL!" She commanded as flames from behind illuminated her dark sillouette. The competition brewing within me I launched myself into Mindy, creating a Mindy-bike-Tracie sandwich splattered on the cold hard earth. Still completely clipped in, I layed on the ground festering in a pathetic heap for a couple moments until I remembered that I was in war territory and needed to move before I either got ran over, dog-piled, or worst yet, eaten alive by a cannibalistic Nicole Freedman. My knee having been bonked in just the wrong place, pedaling my bike became somewhat of an issue until my new favorite vitamin kicked in.

My quasi-injury still fresh and tender, chiropractor-in-a-former-life
Heather Kirkby rushed to my side. "Quick, bring me my scalpel!" She ordered at no one in particular. Dilligently she pulled out a notebook and pen from her lab coat pocket. "Now this is just a small list I'm composing for you that will aid in the recovery of your patellar face of tibia. Remember now, 15 minutes on, 15 minutes off! Ice, heat, Ice, heat, rest for 72 hours, Alieve every 12 hours!"

8. NO BASIS???
Monica was the first to ask what we were all secretly wondering. "So Nicole, where are the free basis samples that you're supposed to bring us?" Upon hearing the response that indeed, no basis samples were available, Monica, dismayed at feeling cheated of her 40 dollars, turned to her bicycle. "Come on, schnookums" she consoled to it, "at least we have each other."

"Our last game" Nicole instructed us, "is to be done without the bikes.... By the way, does anyone have large winter gloves, a ski mask, and a very sharp knife???" Oh no! Doom lay ahead for sure. As we gathered round a small picnic table I wondered who would be chosen as the first team sacrifice. To my relief, Sabine placed a very large peice of chocolate in the center if the table, on top of which Nicole placed the knife. Drool crept into the corners of even our most meticulously clean team members. A longing lurked in our glazed eyes. Nicole presented the dice. "Okay, we take turns rolling the dice and if you roll a five you have to put these articles of clothing on as fast as possible and the you can cut yourself off a peice of chocolate. But while you are doing that, we all keep rolling, and if someone else rolls a five they get to steal the clothes from you." We leaned forward in anticipation and greedily rolled the dice. "FIVE!" Nicole would scream when she rolled the magic number, and she pounced for the clothes in a scurried furmish to take a grab at the coveted food item, then like a starving animal she shoved it into her face, chomping away vigorously as the game played on. I can't express my relief to learn that even professional cyclists are allowed to eat chocolate bars, brownies, and oatmeal cookies.

What a fun day, you guys! We really bonded as a team. And Nicole, despite everything I just said, was really a very cool person who was able to teach us all a lot. "Can I be on Team Basis?" I begged her. "Not until you can beat me in a Death Bike duel." Rejection. It sucks. But as a suck-up gift so that I don't say mean things about her in my clinic report she did give me a whole new can of Accelerade, which she made me promise to share with my teammates. As if she had to say that. I will be bringing this stuff to ALL the RACES and you guys need to come get as much as you want from me. After all, this is accelerade that was formerly in posession by the BASIS TEAM, and thus drinking it will make you ride faster.



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